Talking to Young Children About Death and Grief
Death is one of those topics that many of us hope we won't have to talk about with young children for a long time.
But whether it's the loss of a grandparent, a much-loved pet, a family friend or someone much closer, many children will experience grief during their early years. They may also encounter it through friends, conversations around them or events in the wider world.
As adults, we often worry about saying the wrong thing. We want to protect children from sadness, make everything better or find the perfect words. The truth is, there aren't perfect words. What children need most is honest, loving adults who are willing to listen, answer questions and simply be there.
Children grieve differently
Young children don't experience grief in the same way as adults.
One minute they may be asking deep questions about someone who has died, and five minutes later they're happily building a tower or asking for a snack. This can feel surprising, but it's completely normal.
Children often move in and out of grief. Play gives them a break from difficult feelings and helps them process what has happened in their own time. You may also notice changes in behaviour. They might become clingier, more emotional, quieter than usual or seem to revisit the same questions over and over again.
They aren't trying to be difficult. They're trying to make sense of something very big.
Be honest, but keep it simple
Young children benefit from clear, straightforward language.
It can feel kinder to say someone has "gone to sleep", "passed away" or "gone on a journey", but these phrases can be confusing. Some children may become frightened of sleeping or expect the person to come back.
Instead, use simple language such as: "Grandad died. His body stopped working and he can't come back."
That may feel blunt to us, but children often understand this much more easily than euphemisms. Follow their lead. Answer the question they've asked rather than giving lots of information all at once. If they ask another question tomorrow, that's absolutely fine.
It's OK to show your own emotions
Many adults try to hide their sadness from children. While it's important that children feel safe, seeing trusted adults cry can actually help them understand that grief is a natural part of life.
You might say: "I'm feeling sad because I miss Grandma. It's OK to feel sad and it's OK to cry."
This helps children learn that feelings don't need fixing or hiding.
There isn't a right way to grieve
Some children will want to talk.
Some will ask the same question twenty times.
Some will express their feelings through drawing, role play or storytelling.
Some may not seem affected until weeks or months later.
All of these responses can be completely normal. Rather than expecting children to talk, create opportunities where they can if they choose.
Keep routines where you can
When something significant has happened, familiar routines can provide comfort. Regular mealtimes, nursery, stories and bedtime routines help children feel safe when everything else feels uncertain.
It's also helpful to let nursery or preschool know what has happened so teachers can offer additional support and understand any changes they notice.
Books can help start conversations
Stories often give children a safe way to explore difficult feelings. Reading together also creates natural opportunities for questions without putting pressure on children to talk.
Some lovely books about grief and bereavement include:
The Invisible String by Patrice Karst, exploring the idea that love connects us even when we're apart.
Badger's Parting Gifts by Susan Varley, a gentle story about remembering someone after they die.
The Memory Tree by Britta Teckentrup, celebrating memories and the impact someone leaves behind.
Always and Forever by Alan Durant, about friendship, loss and supporting one another.
Paper Dolls by Julia Donaldson, a story about memories.
Activities to help young children process grief
Children don't always process big feelings through conversation. You could try:
Looking through photographs and sharing favourite memories.
Creating a memory box with special objects, drawings or letters.
Drawing pictures of happy times together.
Planting flowers or a tree in someone's memory.
Lighting a candle together (with adult supervision) or finding another meaningful family ritual.
Using small world play, loose parts or role play if children naturally choose to explore their feelings through play.
Remember, there doesn't need to be a ‘finished’ product. The process is what matters.
Helpful organisations
If you need additional support, these organisations offer excellent advice for families and professionals supporting children through bereavement:
Marie Curie – for talking to children about terminal illness and bereavement.
They all have practical guidance, activities and resources designed specifically for children.
A final thought
As adults, we often feel we need to have all the answers. Children don't expect that. They need someone who will sit beside them, listen to their questions, answer honestly and remind them that whatever they're feeling is OK.
Grief doesn't have a timetable, and neither does childhood.
Sometimes the greatest support we can offer isn't finding the perfect words. It's simply making sure children know they don't have to carry their feelings on their own.